


Tired Soldier

by GoofALot



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Paranoia, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Support, selfharm(slight mentions), slight romance, sterek
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-27
Updated: 2013-10-30
Packaged: 2017-12-09 14:36:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/775324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoofALot/pseuds/GoofALot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loneliness and depression are feelings that has always been creeping inside of Stiles head and reeing dark thoughts are nothing new in silence. The werewolf and supernatural chaos is taking a toll on Stiles and being the only human he wonders if he provides anything for the group and with his growing depression. With Scott finding new friends elsewhere, leaving little time for his best friedn since childhood and Derek thrashing him against walls, how long will he endure it? And what is that warm tingling?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tired Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction is mostly inspired by my own state of mind, but also how I imagine Stiles might have turned out, with all the supernatural smush happening around him.
> 
> I don't know if I should make this explicit, maybe, due to what this fic will contain in later chapters. We'll see.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy, and this is un-betad and English is not my mother tongue so excuse me for poor grammar

Stiles felt fidgety. Like he needed to do something. But he was too tired and drained from energy to do anything even though he felt like he could run several miles without being tired yet he felt exhausted. He looked at the clock, it was 4 am in the morning. He hadn't slept since Saturday, 5 am when he had woken up from another one of his very, very disturbing nightmares. Stiles had only had four hours of sleep then.

Leaning back in his computer chair Stiles sighed and gazed blindly at the beaming screen, being the only light in the room it had since a while ago, started to irritate his eyes. Though he had finished that assignment that was supposed to be in Monday morning which was a good thing.

'I should really go to sleep' 

Stiles thought and stretched in his seat, yawning. He needs to, he know he needs to sleep. But those nightmares, were just terrifying sometimes. They were even sometimes just...weird, odd. The most peaceful dreams he had was when he fell, from a high height, but then he woke up when dream Stiles was about to make a bloody splash on the ground.

Stiles knew why.

He has had those dreams before. They were simple but yet more terrifying than any of the other dreams because the message was obvious.

He wanted to die. Stiles desired it.

It wasn't like he was aware of it. It had started with his dreams, and those started when Scott got bitten, only vaguely at that time though. They had increased when Scott got together with Allison, and now the pack and everything with the kanima and Gerard had screwed him up. 

Not to mention school overall, and his dad's increased drinking which had lead to one violent outburst from him, where Stiles had received a black eye and once he had to help his dad, Mr Stilinski up the stairs because he hadn't been able to walk properly. Stiles dad had been so worried and anxious about the black eye the following morning but Stiles had just brushed it of and blamed it on the lacrosse, that Jackson had accidentally tackled him too violently (which wasn't a total lie).

He had started to feel left out since the kanima incident. Sure, Allison hadn't gone back together with Scott, but they did say hi, and chatted sometimes, like friends trying to fix things to make them alright. And not to mention how much Scott had started to train with the rest of the pack, he often hung out with Isaac, and a lot after school. Stiles thought, 'sure, a new friend and you want to get to know them, I'll give them some space and time'.

That was just the start of this feeling of being lonely. He knew the feeling, but now it was like a heavy weight on him. When you are carrying a bag with too many books it becomes very bothersome and heavy, but this feeling. You can't take of like a bag, it hurt inside of him. Physically. Something slowly squeezing your heart, and that grip's strength just increasing with time.

He had found out about a few things they all did without him. Pack-meetings, running through the woods(typical werewolf stuff) training and so on. Even Allison and Chris knew about those things as they had started to co-operate with Derek and Deaton to keep Beacon Hills a safe place for every resident. They sometimes helped with training, but on the Argent's part it was mostly shooting bullets and arrows at them when they felt like doing so because the werewolves were under the suspicion of strange murders.

Everyone belonged somewhere. Erica and Boyd had found their place when they got bitten. They belonged to a group they had come to like and enjoy as friends and pack despite the things that had happened. After being saved by their alpha, the oh so mighty and badass Derek Hale, and the rest of the pack, with Stiles as locator, from the Alpha pack, they knew where they belonged and they wanted to be there too. They had their place.

Stiles had always been a sort of solo person, but that didn't mean he enjoyed others companies, and he as much as any other human being, wanted a place in this world, an identity, a small group of friends, closure, contact. 

It was during the middle of the summer, when he thought of it, that the crying had started. The empty feeling ad become too much for him, but the crying helped, just as it helped when he got his panic attacks. Those had by the way returned like being run-over by a truck. It was a sort of silent comfort, and he could somehow sleep peacefully after that, even though it might just be an hour or so, then the dreams would come back again. But it helped.

Stiles felt his eyes flicker, it darkened before him. He felt his stomach growl. 

'When was the last time I had a proper meal...three days ago, I think?' he thought and rose an eyebrow at himself. 

His appetite had decreased, and he had been getting more exhausted too, like really tired, like he could lay down and fall asleep right on the spot. Though he knew he couldn't because his mind was always railing and he couldn't really fall asleep unless his brain decided to crash on him or if he took his sleeping pills. Plus his Adderall made him edgy and more fidgety sometimes.

Stiles shut his computer and rose from his chair, though not as smoothly as he had expected. His vision got dotted with black spots and he wobbled a bit. He took his clothes of quite swiftly for being as tired as he was, and looked in the mirror.

His redish/brown buzz cut was much longer and he actually had some more hair on his head now, but it was messy, like bad messy. Stiles analysed his body. Pale skin, dotted with moles. He was tall and lanky, though thanks to his recent training and lacrosse he had gained some muscle but he could feel the weight dropping on him. He had purple-tinted sacks under his eyes that he could barely keep open. 

Stiles laid down in his bed, he looked at the sleeping pills. He was on his way to crashing but since he wanted to sleep for more than four hour this time because he needed it and felt like getting away from reality for a while. Stiles downed two of them, even though that might be risky due to his current conditions, but he didn't really care. He should, but he didn't. And what was that tingling feeling, was someone watching him? Nah, he thought, just his damn paranoia. Stiles thought all kinds of things like that, but in the end more than half of it turned out to be false alarm. If it was a robber or something, he kind of just didn't care.

''Oh God I'm really messed up aren't I?'' Stiles mumbled with a raspy, low sleepy voice into the silent room. 

''Derek threatens you still, though sour wolf isn't brooding as much as before, Scott has Isaac and the rest of the pack, the pack has each other. Lydia has Jackson, she doesn't really need you. Everyone has it good, and dad has Melissa and his job...he's important, everyone is in a way...'' Stiles continued his mumbling.

'I am not' he thought 'they'll do just fine without me, the don't need me. No one does, and no one ever will...''

Falling into a hopefully peaceful slumber, Stiles was unaware of his little stalker outside his bedroom window. He thought he had felt the cool wind sweep into his room but figured he had just imagined it, unknowingly brushing it of, as a certain red eyed individual, had seen and heard most of the show, and decided to make a visit.


	2. Tired Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feeling lonely and left out are feelings similair to Stiles. He knows them. But the werewolf chaos, the pack dynamic, Scott finding new friends and seemingly ignoring his best friend since childhood. Lydia, still ignoring him, Jackson being the bastard he is, and Derek still ignoring his efforts and being the sour wolf he is has taken it's toll on Stiles. Will he ever not feel left out in his group of friends as he spirals down the road of depression and the want to die and what is that tingling feeling exactly?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaah, sorry for being so late with an update! I have been super busy with school and I've felt so unmotivated it's unbelievable!
> 
> So, I hope you'll like this and this chapter will focus more on how Stiles are showing different types of signs to give up, and this pattern will be followed in the remaining chapters. This is focused on his body.
> 
> Enjoy~

The bed was warm. Unusually warm. Like someone had been there. But there was that dream, and that fall. There was this beeping sound. But the thing was, it just kept on beeping, and beeping. Stiles moved his hands and found his phone on his bedside table. But the phone had other plans than to get caught by Stiles, no no, it wanted to sprout legs and fall down onto the floor; and so did Stiles. 

''Ouch, the hell phone did you really have to drag me down with you? God my head, urgh...''

Stiles rolled over on his back, the bedspread tangled around his body. He looked up into the ceiling, suddenly realizing he had slept for several hours already. A small smile spread across his face and he got this warm feeling of comfort settled in his stomach. There wasn't that pinch, cold feeling he used to have when he always felt extremely anxious, which was mostly after a very vivid and disturbing dream. But this feeling felt so nice, and a deep sigh left Stiles before he knew it. That odd tingling feeling was there too. It wasn't annoying, just, odd.

Stiles looked over at his right and picked up his phone. He had a text from Lydia concerning the chemistry assignment, which date it was due. Surprisingly Stiles had also missed a call from Scott, maybe he wanted to hang out? And then a text message from Jackson bugging him about lacrosse, and oh so dark and powerful Sir Derek Hale had also called him....HE WISHED. The text from Lydia though was true, the others was just wish thinking. 

Stiles looked at the phone's clock and it was actually...really late....Like. Monday...7:33 am...

''HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M GOING TO BE SUPER LATE MR HARRIS IS GOING TO KICK MY ASS FOR REALZ THIS TIME OH SHIT OH SHIT—OUCH!...'' Stiles tripped over the small threshold out from his room into the hallway. He practically faceplanted and kissed the floor good-morning and thanking it with curses for catching him. Well floors need love too.

Stiles steadied himself and opened the door to the bathroom. He looked into the mirror, he was less dark under his eyes, it was still morning so now it was because he was still tired. His hair was bed head messy and if he walked into class like that people would mostly tease him and ask if he had some company during the weekend which wouldn't be true. It'd just lower Stiles self-esteem and the little hope he had left about ever finding someone would crumble, piece by piece.

Quickly he fixed himself and brushed his teethe while he tried to put on his socks...which wasn't very successful. Luckily Stiles fell backwards on his bed this time and not on the floor...then he would probably have choked on the toothbrush and died. Not that he would mind dying but by a toothbrush...just no.

Stiles felt that strange tingling feeling again, this time accompanied by the warmth he felt. His bed was still very warm and he couldn't make out where it came from. Stiles moved his hand to the side of the bed. It was very warm, and it spread through the whole bed too. It actually felt quite comfortable lying there, in the heated bed. 

But that thought was folded away somewhere in his mind when he saw the small blood spots on his sheets. Quickly he ripped them free from the bed and put them into the hamper. Stiles thigh throbbed slightly but the blood spots must have been there since Saturday, because he was always cautious that the cuts didn't make unnecessary stains where he couldn't handle them.

Quickly he dressed and realized that when he looked at the clock that he'd have to break every law there was against speeding to get in time for class. His anxiety was beginning to peak because of it, his hands getting shaky with adrenaline. Lately he worried about everything, everything. In his mind it somehow always led to someone dying or a big accident if he did this and that or if something went bump in the night.

Stiles went downstairs and he could see his dad sleeping in the couch so he made sure he didn't wake him up.

''Ok, car keys, books, phone, wallet...where's my wallet? Wallet wallet wallet, where are you?'' Stiles looked around and saw it lying on the coffee table. Carefully he made his way over and was so focused on staying quiet he did not see the coffee table's evil sharp end jut into right above his knee. He hissed and grabbed his wallet but before he could walk away there was a hand on his arm.

''You have a good day son. And don't drive like crazy like the last time you were late. Stay safe...''

''I will''

Stiles winced at the memory of that time. He had been close to smashing Derek's black Camaro into a wall. And that wall had greeted him later by making sure he was good and comfy while Derek was busy lecturing him and threatened to rip his throat out with his teethe...again.

Stiles took his fathers advice but did not drive too legally. It was when his vision was getting unfocused and when his stomach began to hurt hat he realized that not eating anything but drinking tea four days in a row.

The bell had rang five minutes ago so Stiles hurried to pick up the right books and then rushed to the chemistry classroom. But when he stood there, just right outside the classroom, he was frozen to the ground. Stiles could feel the anxiety boiling underneath all the adrenaline which now also told him to flee and hide. He hated getting late to class, then everyone would be watching you, like you had committed a crime, all those judging looks.

But he had to got to this class since this would be the last lesson they would go through with the theoretical before a bigger test they would have next week.

''Sorry for being late Mr Harris, I overslept''

Stiles walked into the classroom shyly and awkwardly under the threatening gaze of Adrian Harris who could burn a hole right through you with a glance if he as so much wished for it.

''Sit down Stilinski'' Voice cold as ice yet still full of despise as always when he talked with Stiles.

Stiles sat down in about the middle of the classroom. As predicted everyone looked at him. And his so called friends almost had concerned looks on their faces. Scott looked like a puppy that would cry out loud if it could. Stiles sat closest to Jackson though, he didn't really know why, maybe because they usually didn't bother with each other. 

Mr Harris was going through something on the board and Stiles was as usually busy with taking notes. He took notice of Scott's glances. Wanting to say and do something but he knew he might put Stiles into trouble. Though Jackson seemed to be in a teasing mood. He kept throwing small paper balls on the back of Stiles head, and it was tearing his patience apart bit by bit with every paper ball.

''Jackson, stop it, it isn't funny at all. Please behave your IQ level, oh, I forgot, you already do'' Stiles stared at him annoyed and seriously soon about to get really pissed of.

''It is for me, I learn better by hearing so why not occupy my hands with something that is fun rather than listening to this? So I'm going to continue throwing paper balls at you until I'm satisfied'' Jackson smiled satisfied with his statement. So now Stiles was something made to ridicule too? Great. 

Where was Lydia though? Yeah right she as over town meeting her cousins, she wrote that on Facebook. She and Stiles had become good friends and now she wasn't here to keep her five year old boyfriend at bay.

''No you aren't so just---'' Stiles suddenly felt very ill. His vision went blurry and black spots appeared once again. It didn't want to go away either. Scott noticed something was wrong and leaned over his desk cautiously so that Harris wouldn't notice.

''Dude, are you alright, you look pale and smell like bile and blood.''

''No, I'm not alright...oh gosh...Mr Harris, I need to go to the bathroom please''

''It's only been 30 minutes of class Stilinski and you were late so give me one reason why I should let you go to the bathroom?

''If you want to clean up vomit you're welcome'' Stiles just smiled devilishly. But the smug smile was very forced, it was like his strength had vanished.

''You get ten minutes not more than that.'' Stiles was on his way out of the classroom on wobbly legs when he heard: ''And you get an hour of detention for this today Stilinski.''

Finally in the bathroom Stiles drank some water and tried to just clear his head and not think about nothing and everything at the same time. The dizziness didn't go away and he felt like fainting and one of the reasons was because of the lack of nutrition but he didn't have anything in his bag. Even a Snickers would help him loads.

Stiles body went limp, immovable and his heavy head felt like it was light as a feather, soaring in the air, almost as if it was detached from his body. His vision went black and Stiles fell to the floor. The last thing he saw was the water pipes and the tiles of the floor cool against his cheek.

He wasn't sure, maybe he imagined it, but he could swear he heard Scott's desperate call in the distance.


	3. Tired Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feeling lonely and left out are feelings similair to Stiles. He knows them. But the werewolf chaos, the pack dynamic, Scott finding new friends and seemingly ignoring his best friend since childhood. Lydia, still ignoring him, Jackson being the bastard he is, and Derek still ignoring his efforts and being the sour wolf he is has taken it's toll on Stiles. Will he ever not feel left out in his group of friends as he spirals down the road of depression and the want to die and what is that tingling feeling exactly?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SO SORRY FOR THE LOOOOONG DELAY ;A;  
> School and the lack of motivation to write has been the cause to this chapter of Tired Soldier
> 
> Thank you so much for the kudos I didn't think so many people would like it since I wrote it out of pure randomness.
> 
> Also, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, listen to a person who says they want to die, take it seriously, you never know.
> 
> Enjoy and sorry for crappy grammar uvu''

The first thing Stiles heard when he woke up was the beeping sound of a heart and pulse monitor. And the smell, the sterile metallic smell mixed with alcoholic gel. Stiles heard voices, quiet chatter, nervous talking from several people and he could make out his dad's and Scott's nervous and almost panicked voices. Stiles head felt very heavy, like he had been hit by a truck or something. Plus the numb stinging from his arm, probably from an infusion he guessed.

He waited a bit until his head seemed more clear, then he opened his eyes slowly. 'Ready to face this shit then' 

When Stiles tried to speak it only came out as a weak moan and he wanted to move so that he could sit up. And the chatter stopped. Scott smiled weakly but a frown took over his face. He stood up and helped Stiles sit up while the other watched. The silence was getting unbearable, but since Stiles couldn't make a word, they'd have to wait with his endless chatter. Luckily, Scott made his move.

''I'm glad you're awake man, I almost got a heart attack when I heard they had found you laying on the bathroom floor. Don't scare me like that again man, please'' 

''I'll try and not give you a heart attack Scott'' 

Stiles laughed slightly and e could speak now thanks to helping himself to the water standing by on the small table.

''But hey, were's my dad, I swore I heard his voice when I woke up''

''He's outside the room, he was discussing with Derek and with you being in the hospital Derek isn't his favorite person to meet. And he's afraid to let him close to you, you know, since all this shit happening around us.''

''Yeah...hey, has the rest of our group a lá werewolf been here yet?''

''They've called to check up on you, Erica and Isaac went here to visit you, Allison came by just a moment ago, they were really worried Stiles, and so am I.'' 

Scott looked like a puppy who had done nothing but still felt bad for everything and wanted to fix things. Sadly it's very hard to fix things that is smashed into a million pieces. Several times over.

''I just haven't gotten enough sleep, that's all, and I guess I've been a bit stressed. New things happening and school, wouldn't it be weird if something like this didn't happen after, you know, everything?''

''Strange that it's not anything but sleep you haven't gotten, in your report from the doctors there's clear evidence that you have barely eaten anything and that your body shut for a bit thanks for the lack of nutrients. You fainted Stiles.''

The door opened and John Stilinski stepped inside. He didn't look amused at all, much less to Stiles own carefree answer. A deep angry and confused frown clouded his face and Stiles disliked that look very, VERY much. If Stiles could, he would barely escape an aggressive discussion which seemed to have been the only conversations he'd had with his dad these days. Derek stepped in after Stiles father and even he showed a tiny, tiny...bit of concern if there even was any, Stiles wasn't sure. Sour wolf leaned against the wall behind where Scott sat. 

'His style alright' Stiles thought 'standing there brooding in the shadows as always'  
''Hi dad....'' 

Stiles tried to smile and look innocent but it physically hurt to smile and had for a long time now so he just didn't care. His eyes looked hollow to the others.

''I want an explanation Stiles. I thought you could take care of yourself but that's obviously not the case, and I don't know what to do because the doctors also told me about those gashes on your thighs and those bruises-''

''I can take care of myself and those gashes and bruises are nothing, they're from lacrosse, a violent game, you know that''

Stiles smiled widely and laughed, hopefully he could get away with this, the chance might be small but it still existed.

''Scott told me you haven't been to lacrosse training for two whole weeks son, and I've seen the bloody sheets in the hamper and the bloody tissues in the trash, what's going on with you Sti-''

The heavy, choking sobs heard from the hospital gown clad Stiles who had huddled himself into the corner of the bed. He literally heaved and tears streamed down his wide open eyes. John and Scott froze for a second and Derek was first by Stiles side. 

''Easy breathes and focus on that, nothing else''

Even though it was Derek with his ever so monotone voice, was a great comfort, and the hand on his back made him feel so much better. But his thoughts were still railing and his face was completely wet from crying, and he still was. Derek handed him the mug of water which was greatly appreciated and he downed all of it without choking.

Both Scott and Stiles dad knew one person was enough and even that could stress Stiles a lot while having an attack. Scott was surprised Derek stepped forward 'Must be alpha werewolf senses' he thought.

Despite the attack being over Stiles still cried a lot, and it distressed all of them. Scott wanted to whimper but that wouldn't seem very human-like would it? They waited patiently for Stiles to say something as he constantly made gestures saying that he wanted to tell something but didn't have the voice for it.

''Uhmm, erhm! I-I...I kind...of don't want to...exist anymore. I want to stop living dad.''

Everything Stiles said came out as heavy snivels and messed up words but it was audible. Stiles looked so calm and casual about uttering what he just said as he had constantly repeated it in his head. It was daily basis for him. And that's what scared the shit out of Scott, and maybe Derek, the only thing that changed was that his eyes were widening so Stiles couldn't really tell, and his mind was on 'off' mode so was his body.

''Stiles, I don't know what to think about that since you have been saying that for a long time, even when dealing with difficult assignments and homework. Is this just a whitewash or what? Don't just say things like that son, you scare the shit out of me.'' 

John hugged his son and tightly. Stiles knew that tone though, his dad was half through processing the possibility that Stiles wanted to die and that would mean losing the only close family he had left. And he had never had the thought that Stiles would outlive him. But on the other hand he sounded like he didn't believe it, which hurt but it was also a perfect cover for Stiles. John didn't want to think that there was something wrong and thought that it's all be okay with time.

''I'm sorry dad. I wont do that again''

''It's okay son. You can be home from school for sometime so that you can rest and recover but I'll have Aunt Milly checking on you from time to time when I'm not home understood?''

''I understand.'' 

Aunt Milly was a fairly old lady living in the house next door but she was clear as a day and made the best herbal tea ever, she even used the herbs and flowers from her own garden.

Scott and Derek stood there, watching the scene. They couldn't make out the lie from Stiles, as he could do it now without his heartbeat changing from practicing and doing so for a long time. Scott felt that for a very long time, that he wasn't included in Stiles world and reality. He frowned.

''Don't be so hard on yourself Scott, he has been avoiding all of us, we couldn't have known''

''Maybe not but I've been rejecting his offer about hanging together because I've been busy with practically everything, practice, work, school, pack...and I forgot my best friend.''

Derek gave Scott a meaningful pat on the shoulder before the Alpha turned and slowly walked out of the room, but before that he indulged himself the look of a loved and cared for Stiles. Derek knew that Stiles had been lonely, not caring what happened to himself, but to go so far as not eating, he hadn't counted for that.

Stiles had to be monitored for three days more before he could return home and the doctors advised that he better be carefully watched during one to two weeks that he ate properly and did what he was told to do to get better. He was told to not walk around to much and if he wanted to take walks he was told to walk slowly and not to far to save energy. Stiles was only allowed this because of his ADD and calming exercise was good for him.

Stiles walked slowly, but not a very short distance. He walked as far as to the preserve, and sat leaning against a huge, big lonely old oak by the riverbank. Stiles took of his shoes and stuck his feet into the water. It was somewhat chilly and cold, but a very pleasant feeling. Sadly the water brought out the thought of drowning himself, luckily Stiles could ignore it because he hadn't planned to drown himself, he had other plans.

Then there was this tingling feeling.

''Weren't you told to stay at home resting and restore your strength by the doctors Stilinski?''

''Oh don't worry Derek, I'm not some damsel in distress. Damn you and your werewolf hearing and I'm just taking a walk, and I'm resting now you see, and being out in the nature is very healthy if you're sick. Besides, doing this before eating with Aunt Milly increases my appetite, and her cooking is something I wouldn't miss for the world.''

Stiles smiled widely and licked himself around his mouth as if he could smell her cooking even out in the woods like this.

''And what time is her food usually done?''

''I ate lunch with dad around midday and she's usually done at three o'clock and whoa I need to hurry baaaAAA-''

Stiles had been very close to slipping on the stones as he hurriedly had tried to stand up. Fortunately Derek had his reflexes and caught Stiles in time before he broke his ankle and hit his head on the sharp stones on the bottom of the river. 

WARNING: Being saved by a Derek may cause awkward silence, body contact and up-close face to face.

''T-thank you-u Derek, I think I can take it from here''

''I can drive you, just don't stain inside the Camaro, then I'll-''

''You'll rip out my throat with teethe, I know that line already Sourwolf'' 

Stiles gave Derek a pat on his shoulder and winked at him as he passed him by. Derek was walking behind him as if he was almost herding Stiles to safety.

The car ride home to the Stilinski was silent, but comfortably silent. It wasn't as awkward as Stiles had imagined it'd be to ride in the Camaro without any of his buddies company. And the tingling feeling was still there, but more sated, like a calm wavey feeling inside Stiles stomach. He didn't feel nervous or fidgety as he always did otherwise.

When they arrived at the front of Stiles house, Milly was outside, carrying a couple of roses and other various of colourful flowers from her garden to put in the clay vase on the kitchen table Stiles assumed.

''There you are Stiles, I was getting a bit worried wondering when you were about to get home. And tell that young man that drove you that he has to eat with us too, if he refuses I'll drag him inside by the ear''

Aunt Milly was as full of kind threats as always. She was a kind, wise old lady with beautiful white hair and a great sense of humor. She also understood teenage trouble, probably more than parents ever would.

''You heard her Derek, you're eating with us and no protests, then you'll make Milly disappointed and she might hit you with a handbag or something.''

Derek tried to protest, his mouth was moving but eventually he sighed and just about gave it up. He parked his car within a safe distance so that a certain sheriff wouldn't see the car of a possible criminal and murderer.

The smell of food made both Derek and Stiles stomachs growl from hunger. Derek would have drooled right then and there. Stiles helped Milly with setting the table and giving the flowers some water and putting the vague sweet smelling flowers on the table. Derek had been told by the lady to sit and wait, and help himself to some wine. Since they had a guest, it was allowed to drink alcohol Milly said.

The dinner was very pleasant. All three of them talked, Milly told them some stories from her youth, about how she fancied a girl named Elsa who sadly was in love with a handsome Jones but how she was happy for Elsa's love and happiness. She told them some about her childhood, all Derek and Stiles did was listening. Even the two of them got along quite well. Maybe Derek didn't laugh vividly as Milly did at the stories Stiles told about the pranks he and Scott used to pull when they were younger, but he smiled, and looked pleased, calm. And the pineapple pie made everything 1000% better, Stiles deemed it so.

It was a very pleasant evening, indeed.


	4. Tired Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feeling lonely and left out are feelings similair to Stiles. He knows them. But the werewolf chaos, the pack dynamic, Scott finding new friends and seemingly ignoring his best friend since childhood. Lydia, still ignoring him, Jackson being the bastard he is, and Derek still ignoring his efforts and being the sour wolf he is has taken it's toll on Stiles. Will he ever not feel left out in his group of friends as he spirals down the road of depression and the want to die and what is that tingling feeling exactly?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My motivation for the fanfiction or my motivation at all has become not so good friends with me. I've been struggling a bit with urges and depression and I'm so sorry for being so slow with this chapter but I've been wanting to do nothing else but sleep all day. NOW IT'S HERE ANYWAY AND OMG FIANLLY DONE EITH THIS CHAPTER!
> 
> I've had a bit of a writers block too but I hope you'll like it~

No one had asked why. Why had Stiles refused therapy? Why did he feel the need to hurt himself, and why was he suicidal? How could they help him?

Food went down but often up. Scott had noticed. The sulphureous and and acid smell did not go by unnoticed beneath a layer of toothpaste, apple juice and curly fries. He had asked about the smell, the other dared not to, afraid to step on glass when it came to Stiles. Of course the boy noticed, he had studied psychology and behavior, and it was entertaining almost, but it pained him.

The werewolves were tense around him and wanted to talk to him. Lydia was her ever egocentric self, and Stiles liked that, it was normal. She talked to him, about her, but it was fine. It felt good.

They had been sitting in Stiles living room, the television had been on but no attention was paid towards it except for Aunt Milly's cat, an orange furry tabby named Simba. The cat had become a frequent visitor and Stilas enjoyed the furball's company. It was a social cat too. It liked to fall asleep beside Stiles or wake him up by sitting in his face 5 AM in the morning.

Derek's expression nearly broke Stiles. He looked so....pained, concerned. Emotions that confused Stiles, the alpha had never shown anything of this towards Stiles. It had been expressions that said: ''Stay put or I'll rip your throat out with my teethe'' 

But Stiles could take it, he was man for god's sake!

There had been warm, strong arms around him. Stiles was shocked. It wasn't a wimpish hug either. It was real, strong, crushing. It almost hurt a bit to be honest. Derek held him like he didn't want to let go. His nose was buried in Stiles neck who could swear he heard a mix between growling and whimpering. Stiles hugged him back tightly. It felt so nice, he didn't want to let go. Stiles didn't know for how long they stayed like that, all he knew was that Derek had pecked him on his cheek afterwards.

That had been yesterday. Now Stiles was laying on his bed, his insomnia had kicked in. Tomorrow would be the first day of school for two weeks since he fainted in the boy's bathroom at school.

''Just marvelous, and I how need the sleep. Couldn't you just go away and not bother me for....I don't want to sleep!'' It was first when Stiles noticed his hands in the air, the tried knocking on his door and the open window that Stiles realized he had said this out loud...at 1 AM in the morning when people are asleep and a certain sheriff needs his beauty sleep. Stiles sighed loudly, maybe the bed was too hot? He kicked his bedspread of off him and opened the window a bit more, the cool warm wind passing by and taking a turn in Stiles room.

Suddenly a dark figure flashed by the turn of the house. Stiles felt like his heart would flee from his chest so much as it started drumming as it did. His anxiety just made things worse.

''Hopefully this is because I'm tired and because I'm becoming delusional and hallucinating'' Stiles took a deep breath and turned to get into his bed again, Derek, or rather a big black werewolf sat on it.

''HOLYSHIII---'' Stiles almost fled to the corner but held his mouth from screaming. 

''Derek! What the hell are you doing here man go do something...werewolfy'' 

Stiles made some shooing movements but the wolf was just looking at him. Eye to eye. Red eyes almost staring at Stiles like he should get it already. Eventually, Derek picked up the pillow and threw it at Stiles. The alpha curled up at the end of the bed, closing his eyes. Stiles didn't know what to feel about this, but thought it was best to obey the werewolf. Since the alpha had the tendencies to make himself the owner of ones things and snarl at you and threaten to eat you, it was best to go by his terms. Stiles slowly made himself comfortable in his bed and snuggled up under the sheets while Derek actually stayed in his place. He fell asleep astonishingly fast.

The bed was warm. Hot almost but oh, so cosy and warm and.....Derek. 

Stiles sat up in the speed of light but Derek wasn't there. No werewolf laying at the end of his bed, just the heat that would stay for days thanks to Derek's body temperature.

The heat hadn't only spread itself all over the bed, Stiles felt incredibly warm like the werewolf himself had taken the freedom to lay beside....NONONONNONONONO.

Stiles didn't want to think about it. Derek, beside Stiles? The bed wasn't the biggest one so Derek would have had to....

''Somewhat lay on me...he's so not invited here anymore unless he explains why he is sleeping in my fucking bed....I'm so going to get a mean boner for this'' Stiles slapped his hand is in face and just sighed. No one could know of this, but of course the werewolves would know thanks to their über strong sense of smell. And intuition. Although this seemed bad Stiles couldn't help but to smile over it, the boy had his crush.

Stiles looked over to his right to check his phone to check the messages but the first thing that appeared, as always, the clock. And Stiles was screwed. Again. Harris lesson. Practical chemistry test. 

''I'm doomed''

Luckily Stiles had awaken before school had started, even if it was just a quarter and not an hour or two after it had started. Stiles practically bolted out of the house leaving is dad looking after his son running of into the driveway looking like a big question mark.

He was only two minutes late and had rushed in with all the looks on him and he just wanted to faceplant on his life. Harris gave him a warning look told him to sit down by Danny who explained what they were supposed to do. It had something do with mercury and bindings between chemicals and Stiles think he did pretty good. It felt good and the only thing he had had in mind was the test, nothing else. He felt a bit fuzzy and snuzzy but in a good way.

That was until lunch. 

'Toilet, alone or just at the end of the table where the pack is sitting oh my god heart stop beating like an engine please stop'

''Move it, you're sitting with us and you're eating today'' 

Isaac looked at Stiles with a strangely fatherly look and Scott came up by his other side leaving no exit or excuse for Stiles to not sit by them or eat for that matter. They almost pushed him towards the table and some even looked surprised at this. 

'Oh my god anxiety skyrocketing breathe, don't let them hear your heartbeat, walk away, look away...'  
''Come, there's a spot by me here Stiles''

Even the snarky and cocky Erica could be kind sometimes, Stiles was a bit mind blown. But he could understand them being easy with him and taking it slow, considering his death wish.

''Oh, okay then''

The invitation made it a bit easier to sit by them...and the anxiety eased up, surprisingly. Scott had gone to get food for Stiles, his so called best friend had insisted on it. Unknowingly about it, Stiles had leaned his head on Erica's shoulder and closed his eyes for a brief moment before he could smell the curly fries and he felt that hunger.

''Someone's really on the low drive today, the pink bunny forgot to put his Duracell batteries this morning?'' 

Jackson sat in the chair at the end o the table, on the short end, HIS place he insisted.

''I'm not a pink bunny I'm just sleepy, and I'm hungry at that''

They ate in peace and silence until Isaac started sniffing towards Stiles, Erica joined in to see what the hell had gotten into that pup.

''Stiles, why the hell do you smell like Derek has been rolling himself all over you?''

Isaac seriously looked like a completely confused puppy and the other just stared at him while Stiles were shoveling curly fries into his mouth. He looked from Erica to Isaac with his popped up eyes.

'Fucking werewolves' 

''Because he has?''

Stiles swallowed hard. Everyone's eyes widened to the point where they would fall out from their skulls and Stiles could barely keep himself from either wanting to sprint away like the Duracell batteries had been put back or just laugh until every part of is body hurt.

''Since you're more of Scott's pack than Derek's it's quite unusual and Derek of all people snuggling all over you, has someone or something lipped a switch in his head or what?'' 

Erica could barely believe what she just had gotten confirmed. Derek was cold as a stone, and a scary Alpha at that.

''He's been hanging around with me and at my house now when I've been home. And for once that brooding sourwolf finally talks a bit more''

The group just nodded and acted normally for the rest o the day, except that they all avoided talking about werewolves and Derek because, a wolf that wants to play around with another one in the pack or in this case, the Stiles whom he has constantly shown distrust towards and even hit a few times, is very rare. But did Stiles forget to mention his super crush on him but he just can't because Derek is much older plus, hello, werewolf!

Mr. Stilnski wasn't at home when Stiles got home, and the first thing he got when he went up to his room after, surprisingly much, willingly making himself a sandwich, was a heart attack.  
Derek sat at the window frame and Stiles had been screaming his lungs out if it wasn't for the case that it was, after all, Derek.

''What's with the look?'' 

Derek rose his eyebrow, Stiles looked like he had seen a ghost and nearly dropped his sandwich if it wasn't for the case that he had a tight lock on it with his super strong jaw...more like super tense.

''You scared the fuck out of me okay, that was not okay, not okay at all you get that you bastard. Enough with my sky rocketing anxiety already sheesh...'' Stiles sat his bag down and plopped down on his computer chair, chewing his mouthful of that ham sandwich. Which by the way smelled delicious for the werewolf who just had to take a bite.

''Hey, that was half my sandwich...you own me one!''

Stiles pouted and pointed an accusating finger at Derek.

''Sure, but first, the pack and I need you to find out everything about kelpies''

Stiles blinked. 

''You mean the Australian kelpie or do you mean big white mean horse that drowns people and children particularly?''

''The horse. Several kids has disappeared from areas surrounding Beacon Hills and Isaac thought he had seen something a while back in the woods near the creek. Scott and Allison thought it'd be worth checking it out and it seems it has stationed itself in the reserve and...-''

''We need it to be gone. I understand that. Yes, of course I'll help, maybe I can fish something out of my dad too, maybe he knows something....''

''Good, we need every piece of info that we can get, the rest of the pack is at Deaton's, but they haven't really found anything useful yet so.'' 

Derek walked towards the window with Stiles tiptoeing silently behind him.

''You know you could take the stairs like any normal MMPH!''

Without so much as a warning, Derek had both had time to jump up on the window frame and now kissed Stiles, cupping his face too at that. Not that he minded it.

'OMG OMG OMG! He' actually kissing me'

''Later.''

And there Stile's prince was gone, riding away on his pitch black steed, and with a sword at his side...(middle)

''Stiles, you really need to stop day dreaming like that'' 

Stiles sighed at himself and felt like he was laying on clouds as a car rolled up on their driveway. Now Stiles understood why Derek had a habit of using the window as a door.  
Stiles plopped down once again with full motivation on his computer chair. It was time to get educated on kelpies and scary shit.


	5. Awake Asleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feeling lonely and left out are feelings similair to Stiles. He knows them. But the werewolf chaos, the pack dynamic, Scott finding new friends and seemingly ignoring his best friend since childhood. Lydia, still ignoring him, Jackson being the bastard he is, and Derek still ignoring his efforts and being the sour wolf he is has taken it's toll on Stiles. Will he ever not feel left out in his group of friends as he spirals down the road of depression and the want to die and what is that tingling feeling exactly?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will not be a five chapter fanfiction but SIX
> 
> I'm so sorry for the extreme delay, I had no ideas what so ever to write next and for a while I thought about giving up on this fic but lookie here, another chapter and hopefully the last one will be up sooner than this one XD
> 
> Enjoy~

You know the thing were you are supposed to not walk into a preserve where a murder horse is lurking to find it's next victim but you do it anyway?

Stiles just didn't care, didn't care if his friends said he needed a defined line of danger and adventure or investigating.

This was not investigating.

This was adventure, boarding dangerously close to danger!

Well, the forest didn't tell him to go back by howling on Stiles and the wind didn't lift him up so, what was stopping him. Nothing really besides the biting cold in his hands, seeming as the days had started to get a bit chilly and it was definitely glove weather now.

And sweather weather, or just several-layers-of-clothes weather.

Stiles hugged his jacket tightly but continued walking. He solved the cold hands problem by putting them in his pockets which made him hum because there was synthetic fur inside of his pockets.

''No Derek or Isaac...hmm, I might actually make it past the danger border as they called it...''

Stiles mumbled and grumbled a bit for himself. He continued walking until he heard the small clucking of a small stream of water. Stiles stopped and looked around a big oak where the small stream was leading. There was a creek up ahead the leapt around the preserve and then ended god knows where. 

Stiles followed the stream and looked about his surroundings. Some more yellow and red colours were popping up here and there. Stiles was glad autumn was coming, he longed for drinking delicious tea without getting sweaty.

School and the kelpie had occupied his thoughts more lately. Not so much of the negative and dark thoughts. Stiles was grateful for that but...he was somehow missing it, like a part wasn't really present, like he needed all this darkness in his mind to feel complete and to feel like himself. He had once read that you can get sort of addicted to a kind of sadness, the sadness that makes you feel like home...in a twisted way. 

Stiles had read the comments on a forum for signs of depression and treatment and some of them had said that happiness was a place that you visited and the dark black hole was your home. Stiles couldn't do anything but agree in his state of mind.

''I'm sure as hell is not fine...''

Stiles stopped.

That realisation felt like a punch right into his solar plexus. Stiles felt like he wanted to vomit, a lump formed in his throat, his lungs didn't want to breathe, and his eyes started to sting.

Yes, Derek had kissed him and looked at him like he wanted to eat him for breakfast more than once. His friendship with Scott was getting better again. His father understood a bit better why he heard footfalls or a keyboard in the middle of the night or why he sometimes heard cries and thrashing from Stiles room.

But Stiles was just not fine. He found comfort in his sadness because he didn't believe in ever being happy again and there's something very wrong with that.

A whinny awoke Stiles from his thoughts.

A big, muscular horse stood about 20 meters in front of him. The kelpie had a long mane and tail, wavy, and it's fur soaking wet. It's nose was faintly grey and it's eyes piercing blue. It had long fur on it's legs to, that also was soaking wet, like the creature had just...gotten out of the water? Like, after killing someone?

Stiles just looked at the horse, as if preventing the animal from moving if he kept eye contact with those icy orbs.

''I hope you're not going to eat me...are you?!''

Stiles squinted his eyes and looked at the horse suspiciously. The animal just blew air loudly through it's nostrils.

''What the hell is wrong with you? Weren't kelpies supposed to act feral around adults and people not so easy to manipulate because we're not capable targets?''

The creature just snorted again and looked back at Stiles. Blinking a few times was all it did. But then suddenly the horse turned it's side towards Stiles so that he saw the creature from a profile. It let out a small whinny and nodded with it's head, almost as if....

''Oh nononononono no way mister what ever you are I'm not climbing up on you you'll just try and drown me wont you?...On the other hand, what do I got to loose?''

Stiles just shrugged and walked up towards the horse which was much bigger now that he was standing close to the beast. The kelpie had lifted it's front leg so that Stiles could put his foot on it easily get up on it's damp back. Stiles stomped of the ground and could much easier than he though, with a grip on the mane, get up on the broad back of the white creature.

''Whoaa, this is so much higher up THAN I EXPECTED!!'' 

Without so much as a warning the kelpie had set of in a thundering speed. Stiles clung for the sake of his so little(according to himself) worth life around the neck of the animal and held a hard grip on the long white mane. It also suddenly decided to jump over the stump of a tree which Stiles was totally not prepared for at all and on the way down he almost knocked himself out by colliding with the muscular neck of the sprinting kelpie.

''What the....''

Isaac had been out for a walk and then met Derek because the preserve was practically his territory...okay whole Beacon Hills was....but the last thing both of them expected to see was Stiles hanging on for life on a tank to a horse that they obviously almost instantly recognized as the kelpie.

The both shared a look that made them none the wiser and thought it might be best to follow the creature with the Stiles on it's back and made sure the human got away unharmed.

Although Stiles was starting to get a hang of things, how he should lean forward and press against the damp body beneath him as it sometimes decided it wanted to jump over something. He also figured out that he had to lean back on the way down from a jump so that he didn't knock himself out cold.

''Hi Scott, hi Lydia, hi Allison, bye Jackson''

The small group had been on their way home, out from the preserve when Stiles flew right by past them...on a white horse. All of them looked rather flabbergasted by the sight, and that Derek and Isaac came running after didn't make them any smarter on this strange event. They decided it was best to follow the snowy animal.

Eventually, the animal stopped, abruptly enough for Stiles to fall forward and fall of the kelpie. 

''Oouuch, that hurt my back! did you really have to do that and why is it so wet here what am I sitting on WAAAAAAAH!''

The brunettes scream tore through the reserve, well, if you had supernatural abilities and increased hearing, it would certainly ring your ears.

The pack found Stiles quickly thanks to his scream, first came Derek and Isaac, the rest wasn't far after. But everyone stared at the small stream that flowed in front of them. It was red and thick with blood. The body of a young girl lay torn beyond recognition on the muddy bank and water.

''Oh my god...''

Stiles could barely hold the bile that was rising in his throat, and his heart was beating like a drum threatenig to break his ribs. Derek looked up at the trees and saw several claw marks and snarled. They were many, swift, seemingly sharp and bloody marks along with it. The smell of so much blood was worrying, as much as it may seem attractive to his wolf, it made them both uneasy.

Scott and Isaac shared a look of intense worry and whined, the girls were stunned and had frozen on their spots. They all knew brutal and gorey stuff, but this was a bit too much for their innocent minds. Jackson did nothing but stare.

''I think I know what it is''

While everyone else was busy with studying the grusome scene before them, Stiles had gathered himself and looked over the body. However this could not be done without stepping into the bloodsoaked mudbank.

''It's a Wendigo, a Wendigo on a rampage''


End file.
